Height: 5’9”

Bar code on back of head: ???

Famous Relative: Ernest Hemingway’s Toaster

Favorite video game: Q-Bert

Name of Favorite Weapon: Torkumada

What the favorite weapon actually is: Axe found in remains of cleared-away Brazilian rain forest. Slightly rusty.

Desultorily observed philosophy: Solipsism

Demon from Dante’s Inferno with whom he most closely identifies: Barbariccio

Favorite Color: ???

$$$ per year spent on removing scratches from his favorite records: 738

Most embarassing mishap involving bladed appendages: Once tried to shake hands with the Pope; now banned from the Vatican on pain of excommunication.

Occupation: Avian Monarch

Hobbies: ???

Greatest Fear: ???

Memorable quote that was never spoken, but is nonetheless representative of the character: “Bring me sunflower seeds or I shall have you flogged . . . sir.”

Most recent political rival disposed of: the Duc de la Toucan (pecked to submission and chained to a dead-end cereal endorsement deal).

Native Country: ???

Languages Spoken: Babble and White Noise

Dislikes: Nonsensical mixture of German and English in a surname

Type of sword held in portrait: “Mortuary hilt” 17th century broadsword

Most often seen: Perfecting his flashdance rountine.

Least often seen: Living down having been seen perfecting his flashdance routine.

Species: Deformed Snowman

Secret Hope: ???

Type of tree branch of which arm is made: Alder

Favorite Song: They’re Coming to Take me Away by Napolean Bonaparte XIV

Opinion of the "Frosty the Snowman vs. the People of New Hampshire" Proceedings: Irrelevant

Era of Origin: Circa 1904 Gregorian

Sordid scandal concealed in past: ???

Shoes made of: Patent leather

Favored Edwardian catch-phrase: What awful cheek, you right josser! It’s absolutely top hole!

Reaction upon being informed that "Disco is dead": Gammon and spinach, sir!